RADIOACTIVE SPECTRAL SPECTACLES
1/5 Stars: This place totally SUCKED!!! Worst hotel ever!!!
A little backstory… I was looking for a luxury room for a couple of days while I was in Transylvania for a swingers convention. I wanted to have a quiet place to escape to just in case I wasn’t vibing with anyone. You just never know who or what you’re going to encounter at these things. Unfortunately, the convention turned out to be a playground equipment expo as in SWINGS, not swingers. They were not pleased to have a middle-aged, pansexual, klepto flamingo hanging around, so I ended up spending way more time at the hotel than I had originally planned.
This place was completely run down, filthy, and basically vermin central. There were cobwebs EVERYWHERE. Rats were scurrying down the hallways. I almost broke my neck on the stairs when I slipped on a pile of bat guano. The bats just drop their business wherever they please. The staff doesn’t even bother to clean it up… or anything else for that matter.
My room was totally unacceptable!!! The tattered bedspread released a poof of dust when I plopped my suitcase down on it. There were bloodstains on the rug under the bed. You would NOT want to take a blacklight to this place.
I don’t want to sound judgmental, but the flamingo who runs the joint is a kook and gave me the mega creeps. His watery eyes resembled bloody raw egg yolks. His gray feathers appeared moth-eaten and patchy, with sallow goose-pimpled skin peeking out through the bald patches. He wore a strange wig resembling the lead singer’s hair from a Flock of Seagulls. I thought it was kind of weird that he asked me my blood type at check-in, but he said it was hotel policy in case of an emergency. I swear when I told him “O positive,” he did a chef’s kiss.
Anyhow, there is basically zero chance of getting a decent night’s sleep in this hellhole. The first night I was tossing and turning ALL night because I kept hearing what sounded like someone dragging heavy chains down the wooden hallway floors. Every time I opened the door to check though, there was no one there. Oh, and don’t even get me started on the moaning and wailing noises. They were CONSTANT. The second night, all night long it seemed like someone kept pulling my covers OFF. There was a sensation like someone was sniffing me and breathing on my neck. I swear at one point I saw the silhouette of that ghoulish flamingo from the hotel sitting on the slipper chair across from the bed. When I flipped the light on though there was no one there. I woke up the next morning feeling totally drained like someone had sucked the life force out of my body. I couldn’t wait to enjoy the free Continental breakfast. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered the only offering was a box of chocolate cereal which someone relabeled “Count Squawkula,” with a Sharpie and some masking tape.
The last night I wasn’t feeling so well. I was exhausted and decided to take a bath to relax. The toiletries provided by the hotel were kind of weird but at this point, I didn’t care. I found an antique-looking apothecary bottle of Dr. Uranium’s Radioactive Spectral Bubble Bath under the sink, which said it was “Guaranteed to make Uranus glow.”
I was so pissed when I got into bed and turned out the lights to discover my whole freaking body was glowing an eerie green. What the flock?! I grabbed the bottle of bubble bath from the bathroom and read the fine print. Half-life of 4.5 billion years?! Side effects include diarrhea, feather loss, skin blisters, beak decay, glowing skin, hangnails, and the ability to see dead people?! That was the final freaking straw. I packed my stuff AND made sure to pack the bottle of bubble bath too. You bet your ass I was going to call my personal injury lawyer, Perry H. Larker, just as soon as I got back to the States!!!
When I got out into the hallway I could see them: apparitions everywhere. Some were dragging chains down the hall, some were floating about wailing and moaning in despair. The ghost of a small Victorian child was crying and cradling a doll in the corner. I ripped the doll's head off and flung it down the stairs. I rolled my eyes and told them all that they’re dead and annoying AF, and to just STFU and move on already. As I prepared to leave, I rolled the taxi’s window down, gave the hotel the bird, and yelled “GLOW TO HELL!!!” It was pretty much the crappiest vacay ever. Vibe score 0/10.
Upon returning home, Carl accidentally spilled the bottle of Dr. Uranium’s Radioactive Spectral Bubble Bath on this year’s shipment of Halloween goodrs, causing them to glow in the dark. Be sure to snag a pair of these NEW glowing Radioactive Spectral Spectacles sunnies so YOU too can glow to Hell. Side effects of wearing them may include the ability to see dead people.*
*This statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.
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