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ORIGIN STORIES
- TROPICAL OPTICALS
- THE DRINKS
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- THE MOON
- THE SUN
- VRGs
- THE FUTURE IS VOID
- NAEON FLUX CAPACITOR
- VOIGHT-KAMPFF VISION
- SEE YOU AT THE PARTY, RICHTER
- MACH Gs
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- BUZZED ON THE TOWER
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- OPERATION: BLACKOUT
- OGs
- A GINGER'S SOUL
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- THE GANG'S ALL QUEER
- SCREW THE METRIC SYSTEM
- THE EH TEAM
- DON'T FLOCK WITH A FLAMINGO
- LONDON 2021
- L.A. 2021
- TOKYO 2021
- BOSTON 2021
- BIG LEPRECHAUN ENERGY
- IS MERCURY IN RETROGRADE?? AGAIN?
- CARL'S GOT A CANDY HEART ON
- SUNNIES WITH A CHANCE OF SPRINKLES
- THE PASSION OF THE CRUST
- IT'S TUESDAY SOMEWHERE
- WE HAD LIGHTS FIRST
- NAKATOMI TOWER CHRISTMAS PARTY
- WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA
- PROFESSIONAL RESPAWNER
- SIDE SCROLL EYE ROLL
- MODERN DAY SNAKE OIL
- BLUE SHADES OF DEATH
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- 50 SHADES OF GRAVY
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- SUCK IT, KING GEORGE
- SORRY, NOT SORRY (BUT ACTUALLY SORRY)
- FLAMINGOS WIN MAJORS
- STAY PAWSITIVE
- LGBTQ+AF
- CAN I TIKI YOUR FANCY?
- DOWN TO FIESTA
- LONDON 2020
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- BFGs
- HOOKED ON ONYX
- IT'S NOT JUST A GAME
- MINT JULEP ELECTROSHOCKS
- DO YOU EVEN PISTOL, FLAMINGO?
- RUNWAYS
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- RAGE QUIT IT AND HIT IT
- FRESHLY PICKED CERULEAN
- GINGHAM IS SOOO LAST SEASON
- HAUTE DAY IN HELL
- VEGAN FRIENDLY COUTURE
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- FAST AS SHELL
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- FRESHLY BAKED MAN BUNS
- INFLUENCERS PAY DOUBLE
- I PICKLED THESE MYSELF
- MIDNIGHT RAMBLE AT THE CIRCLE BAR
- NINE DOLLAR POUR OVER
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- SUPER FLYS
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SPORTS
- IN THE WILD
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- WHAT THE HELL IS A BEAST?
- OFFICIAL SUNGLASSES OF THE OCR WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS
- SATURDAY MORNING IN THE GRAND CANYON
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- RUNNING THE BARKLEY IS FUN?
- BIG CAT BADASS
- BUT FIRST HAPPINESS
- LOS PADRES TRAVERSE FKT
- JAVELINA JUNDRED RACE RECAP
- OFFICIAL SUNGLASS PARTNER OF USA WEIGHTLIFTING
- WE'RE AN AVATAR
- GOODR UP YOUR GAME WITH ANIMAL CROSSING PATTERNS
- ON THE FENCE ABOUT SPIN CLASS!?
- PEDICABS IN NYC
- FLAMBOYANCE
- GOODR STAFF DEBUNK THE GAMER STIGMA
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- A GOODR WEDDING
- A CHAT WITH ALEXI PAPPAS
- RACE RECAPS
- CARL'S TOUR DE FRANCE RECAP 2020
- SPEED PROJECT 2019
- TIPS & TRICKS
- RUNNING WHILE HIGH
- IT'S NOT A BOGEY, IT'S A FLAMINGO
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SHENANIGANS
- IN THE PRESS
- SEASON 03 OF CULTURE GOODR IS OUT
- YOU HAD ME AT DUNKIN'
- TROPICAL OPTICALS
- THE ROLLING STONES X COSMIC CRYSTALS
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- GOODR REWIND
- THE ROLLING STONES ALBUM SERIES
- CARL'S ANTI-RESOLUTIONS 2021
- THE FUTURE IS VRG
- ROLLING STONES HOT LIPS
- INTRODUCING GAME GOODR
- GAME GOODR PARTNERS WITH CLG
- WONDER WOMAN SEQUEL
- NEW CATEYE SUNGLASSES
- POW! BAM! BATMAN SUNGLASSES!
- GOODR PARTNERS WITH PABST BLUE RIBBON
- WONDER WOMAN 1984 SUNGLASSES
- GOODR RELEASES AVIATORS
- RUNNER'S WORLD GEAR OF THE YEAR
- CARL'S INNER CIRCLE
- goodr GIVES BACK
- JUST FLOCKING VOTE
- BLACK LIVES MATTER
- GOODR x 1% FOR THE PLANET RECYCLED SUNGLASSES
- BRAVE LIKE GABE
- SOCAL SPECIAL OLYMPICS COLLAB
- SUNGLASSES ON THE FRONTLINE
- 100% CARBON NEUTRAL
- BREAKING SILENCE 2019
- BREAKING SILENCE 2020
- FUN
- GIFT GUIDE
- SOLVE FOR $6.66 OFF!
- BEHIND THE DREAMS: THE CIRCLING
- CARL AND HIS IDIOT COUSIN TEDDY
- DUST OFF YOUR LIBRARY CARD
- WHO IS CRAZY EDDY?
- DEEP DIVE
- ARE BLUE BLOCKERS A BLUE MIRAGE?
- THE BEST RUNNING SUNGLASSES GUIDE ON THE ENTIRE INTERNET
- WHY YOU NEED ORANGE SUNGLASSES
- COMPANY CULTURE WHILE WORKING REMOTELY
- GET TRENDY WITH OUR NEW HIPSTER SUNGLASSES
- THE BEST WOMEN’S SUNGLASSES
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CULTURE
- CULTURE GOODR PODCAST
- S01E01
- S01E02
- BLACKOUT TUESDAY
- S01E03
- S01E04
- S01E05
- S02E01
- S02E02
- S02E03
- S02E04
- S02E05
- S02E06
- S02E07
- S02E08
- S02E09
- S02E10
- BONUS EPISODE 01
- BONUS EPISODE 02
- BONUS EPISODE 03
- BONUS EPISODE 04
- BONUS EPISODE 05
- REMIX SERIES 01
- REMIX SERIES 02
- REMIX SERIES 03
- REMIX SERIES 04
- REMIX SERIES 05
- REMIX SERIES 06
- REMIX SERIES 07
- S03E01
- S03E02
- S03E03
- S03E04
- S03E05
- S03E06
- S03E07
- S03E08
- S03E09
- S03E10
- S03E11
PROFESSIONAL RESPAWNER
A Story About Gaming Sunglasses
PROFESSIONAL RESPAWNER COVER LETTER
Dear Hiring Manager,
As an impatient gamer who rushes into battles without any real plan, and a stubborn perfectionist who intentionally dies after making the slightest mistake, I am uniquely qualified for the position of Professional Respawner.
During my 20+ years of gaming, I’ve developed exceptional communication skills. While respawning, I tell everyone, “Fuck, I’ve got to respawn,” or “Shit, I died.” I also think outside the box, respawning without telling anyone, “Fuck, I’ve got to respawn,” or “Shit, I died.” And when game developers try to put in hurdles to make it more difficult for players to respawn, I respawn harder and faster than ever before.
This is exactly the kind of role I’m looking for. I respawn well independently, and as part of a team. If you contact my references, you’ll hear several angry rants about how respawning is “the only fucking thing [I know] how to do.” That is true. Respawning is my life. It’s why I’ve been divorced nine times (soon to be ten!). It’s also why I recorded “Respawn Song,” a timely parody of Sisqo’s “Thong Song.” As of this writing, it has 371 views on YouTube.
Thank you for your time and for considering me for the position. My resume is attached. If I do not hear from you in 24 hours, I will kill this application and respawn a new one. And if I do not hear from you after that, the cycle will repeat, again and again, forever.
Sincerely,
The Respawn Don
(aka First Respawnder)
555-RES-PAWN
thatrespawnspspawnspawnspawn@hotmail.com
Polarized
DON'T RAGE QUIT NOW!
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