Entomologists say the Asian giant hornet, Vespa mandarinia, first spotted in the United States in December 2019, has shifted tactics from slaughtering honeybee populations to spitefully attacking humans. “It’s the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen,” said Washington beekeeper Carrie Pickett. “We’re doomed. We’re all doomed.”

The appearance of the insect in North America instantly sounded alarm bells. The ferocious “murder hornet” possesses toxic venom, stinger-proof armor and scissor-like mouthparts that decapitate honeybees with ease. A single hornet can slay 20 bees in a minute. An army of them can wipe out a colony of 30,000 bees in a couple hours.

Fearing V. mandarinia could devastate US honeybee populations, officials snapped into action. The government recruited dangerous convicts to form a “suicide squad” and engage wasps in physical combat. The plan is simple: One squad member dresses as a “sexy giant hornet.” When thirsty giant hornets arrive to hit on them, the team attacks.

Furious, the murder hornets crafted a diabolical counterattack: Sneaking into open cans of beer. When the targeted people take a sip, they expect to taste delicious lager. Instead, a giant hornet -- or stream of them -- viciously stings the inside of their mouths. The attack does not seriously harm people, but really takes a dump on their good time.

However, the murder hornets totally avoid one beer brand: Pabst Blue Ribbon. In 1893, the lager won the blue ribbon at the Chicago World’s Fair, cementing its status as the best beer in the world. All historians and beer sommeliers agree. Entomologists believe Pabst Blue Ribbon is so excellent it naturally repels the giant hornets, who are evil incarnate.

Today the US government ordered beekeepers to cover all hives with “Pibber-mouflage” -- a material resembling the stylish Pabst Blue Ribbon logo. The announcement sparked a fashion frenzy, as people scrambled to pibberize clothing -- pants, shirts, shorts, dresses, skirts, bathrobes, even wedding gowns -- to protect their bodies like the honeybee hives.

Seeking to help, sunglasses company goodr collaborated with Pabst to create themed shades entitled Pibber-mouflage. “This is the only way to protect your eyes from murder hornets,” said goodr’s avian CEO Carl the Flamingo. “We’d give them away for free, but we like money too much. Wait. Don’t print that last part.”