CAN OF PBR CROWNED “MISS AMERICANA” IN SHOCKING UPSET
Pibber, a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon from Milwaukee, WI, was crowned Miss Americana Thursday night at the Mohegan Sun casino in Uncasville, Connecticut. This marks the first time a beverage won the competition in the event’s 99-year history. The lager is also the oldest winner, at 176 years old, since Pabst Brew Ribbon was established in 1844.
Celebrity judges Iggy Azalea, “Schitt’s Creek” star Dan Levy and American novelist Joyce Carol Oates chose Pibber over Miss Virginia Britany Sadmak. After their decision, the first runner-up howled in rage, snatched the can, and shook her with lunatic frenzy. Authorities promptly shot Sadmak with elephant tranquilizer and sentenced her to life in prison.
Pibber wowed the crowd during the evening gown competition by sporting a white ensemble with her name in cursive-print hybrid, a striking red stripe and a blue ribbon accented with silver. Analysts believe the blue ribbon had a psychological effect on the judges and audience, making them believe that the can of beer already won first prize.
In the talent competition, Pibber led a stirring meditation session, providing a welcome moment for everyone to be alone with their inner thoughts. During the physical fitness competition, Pibber stood upside down for an inordinate amount of time, which certainly would have lasted much longer had officials not intervened out of concern for her health.
However, the most memorable moment occurred during the interview segment. Joyce Carol Oates asked the silver and blue can, “How would you solve all the problems in the world?” Pibber said nothing. After 20 seconds of stony silence, Oates cried: “You wouldn’t say anything! You’d listen! The perfect answer!” A five minute standing ovation followed.
Pibber was awarded a $50,000 scholarship and “the job of Miss Americana,”representing the program to the public. To commemorate her historic victory, sunglasses company goodr released themed shades in her honor entitled “PBR Eye Candy.” When asked for comment, Pibber said nothing, possibly because she was overcome with emotion.