PARTY LIKE IT’S 1984 ORIGIN STORY
HOW TO PREPARE FOR AN INCREDIBLY SPECIFIC 1984-THEMED PARTY
Ever plan to go to your friend Dustin’s “80s Prom Party,” and then it’s cancelled due to a global pandemic, and after months of quarantine you’re desperate for a distraction, and your friend Brittany invites you to a virtual “1984-themed party,” and you ask her on Facebook “You mean 1984 like the George Orwell book?” and she replies “No,” and doesn’t provide any more information, and you’re consumed with anxiety because you THINK your “80s Prom Party” outfit will work for the “1984-themed party,” but you don’t KNOW it will work, and you can’t ask Dustin for his advice because he’s Brittany’s ex and isn’t invited because their relationship did NOT end well? Good news! We can help!
Here are four tips to prepare for an incredibly specific 1984-themed party:
1. TERMINATORS ARE MY MOTIVATORS
Speak in an exaggerated Austrian accent, like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the riveting 1984 documentary The Terminator. Obviously, this includes saying “I’ll be back” instead of “bye.” But that accent also gives a fun flavor to 80s lingo like “Gag with me a spoon!” and “That’s grody to the max!” (Try it!) But be warned: If any Austrian bodybuilders are around, they might get offended, slap you and quip “TALK TO THE HAND!”
2. THE BIGGER, THE BETTER
Use perms, spray and/or cement to make your hair gi-normous, like Krystle Carrington and Dominique Deveraux in 1984’s number one TV show: Dynasty. The goal is to make your mane so big it attracts a family of sociable weavers to use it as a nest. That’s when you stop - when the birds come. (In case you’re not familiar with Dynasty, it was a slanderous soap opera falsely portraying oil tycoons as greedy, immoral liars. In 1991, the series was cancelled and everyone involved with it was sentenced to a lifetime of hard labor in the coal mines, to great celebration.)
3. START BEEF
Hide raw hamburger meat in your friend’s home, in celebration of Wendy’s unforgettable 1984 ad campaign “Where’s The Beef?” Then release a tiger in your friends’ home, in tribute to the 1984 World Series champions The Detroit Tigers. When your friend’s ghost haunts you, call the Ghostbusters, in homage to the classic 1984 comedy film Cannonball Run 2.
4. MAKE A FASHION STATEMENT
Everybody’s familiar with 1980s fashion: Neon spandex, graphic prints, acid wash jeans, pastel leg warmers, chunky jewelry, sequined blazers, dresses with shoulder pads. But that’s fashion from the 80’s in general. It’s not specific to 1984. We recommend dressing up like these popular characters from 1984 hit movies: Short Round from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Det. Billy Rosewood from Beverly Hills Cop, Pyornkrachzark the Rockbiter from The Neverending Story -- the possibilities are endless!
Come to think of it, these tips are too much work. Just cop a pair of Party Like It’s 1984 sunnies, inspired by the famous 1984 battle between Wonder Woman, The Cheetah and Maxwell Lord, which we all remember vividly and don’t need to explain in detail. Wow -- what an unforgettable conflict!
Now, when you attend Brittany’s party, you’ll look more bodacious than 1984 fashion icon Steve Guttenberg! Duhhh! Bag your face! What’s the damage? (P.S. Do NOT bring up Dustin around Brittany because she can’t deal.)