HOW A DRAGON AND HER PRISONERS CREATED “PABST O’CLOCK”
Once upon a time, there was a dragon named Sigríður, who followed a strict daily routine like her idol, Hollywood actor Mark Wahlberg. In September 2018, the celeb’s astonishing itinerary went viral, making everyone feel lazy af and want to get their sh*t together. With a few dragony adjustments, Sigríður made the program work for her:
2:30 a.m. wake up
3:00 a.m. breakfast (Icelandic cattle)
3:30 a.m. workout (p90x)
5:30 a.m. post-workout meal (Icelandic horses)
6:00 a.m. bathe (Lake Hraunsvatn)
7:30 a.m. golf
9:30 a.m. snack (puffins)
10:00a.m. cryo chamber recovery (Vatnajökull ice cap)
11:00 a.m. lunch (Icelandic sheep and sheepdogs)
12:00 p.m. meetings / work calls
1:00 p.m. see if anyone on Tinder doesn’t suck
2:00 p.m. workout (hot yoga, Mount Hekla)
3:00 p.m. bathe (Lagarfjót lake)
3:30: p.m. lovemaking session with the cryptid serpent Lagarfljótsormurinn (FWB)
4:00 p.m. dinner (blue whale)
5:00 pm. Watch one of Mark Wahlberg many classic films
7:00 p.m. dessert (humans who wronged me)
Sigríður, an Enneagram Type 3 personality (The Achiever), loved the routine. It kept both her body and mind in shape, centering her in a chaotic world. And so it was that one Friday at 7:00 p.m., Sigríður treated herself to dessert: Two humans who wronged her, the showrunners of a popular fantasy series on an American paid television network.
Believing the final season to be absolute trash, Sigríður greatly looked forward to the snack. However, the showrunners were surprisingly clever when faced with mortal peril. Noting Sigríður’s slavish devotion to her schedule, they asked, “Why are you eating us?” “Because it’s 7 o’clock,” said Sigríður. “No,” they said. “It’s Pabst o’clock.”
The showrunners delivered a stirring presentation persuading the dragon that “7 o’clock p.m.” doesn’t exist. That hour is Pabst o’clock, when you crack open a delicious American lager established in 1844. One taste of the fermented brew erased all doubt. Sigríður revised her schedule to include Pabst o’clock and let the men go free in gratitude.
Delivering the presentation awakened the men’s storytelling skills. They apologized to the world for totally blowing the final season of their fantasy show and produced three more seasons that ended the story perfectly. In celebration, sunglasses company goodr collaborated with Pabst Blue Ribbon to create Pabst O’Clock sunnies: a time that gives you life!