MERLIN’S SQUIRREL FETISH ORIGIN STORY
SQUIRREL SHARES THIRSTY LOVE LETTER FROM LEGENDARY WIZARD MERLIN
Merlin, the legendary wizard born to a mortal woman and sired by an incubus, has long been a celebrated figure in Arthurian legend. He has also long been accused of pursuing romantic relationships with squirrels. And no, “squirrel” isn’t slang for anything. By “squirrels,” we mean squirrels, the bushy-tailed rodents that climb trees and hoard nuts.
Recently Scronka Peppercorn, an elderly squirrel based in Brocéliande, shared a steamy handwritten love letter with TMZ. According to Peppercorn, Merlin sent her the message when she was a young adult and “in her prime, baby.” The envelope also contained a photo of the sorcerer in semi-translucent sunglasses with a mysterious substance on his mustache.
The photo and text of the letter are reproduced below.
Thou art so cute I cannot deal. 10 out of 10. Nay, 11 out of 10. Nay, 12 out of 10. Nobody should be allowed to look that beautiful. Get that fine bushy tail over here now. Thou art wow. Thou art just wow. You make every tree a Christmas tree, for you are a gift.
Look at me -- mixing up my thou’s and you’s. Like a pebble tossed into the cog of a machine, your loveliness scrambles my brain and I short circuit. I babble and stutter and drool, agog at your beauty. Thou art not just a snack. Thou art lunch, dinner and dessert.
I know we come from different worlds, but there are spells to bridge the gap. Spells that make you humanoid. Spells that make me squirreloid. Let me put out that fire ASAP. I want to make you feel like you’re the only squirrel in the world.
goodr will update this story with more information as it becomes available.