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goodrTIMES

WRIGHT BROTHERS FOUGHT LIKE CHILDREN DURING FIRST FLIGHT, ACCORDING TO RECORDING

On December 17, 1903, Orville and Wilbur Wright flew the first controlled flight of an aircraft in Kitty Hawk, NC. However, their behavior during the flight was anything but controlled, according to a newly released recording. Here’s the full transcript.

ORVILLE: We did it, brother! We achieved flight, like birds! Behold our metal wings!

WILBUR: Can you keep it down? I’m trying to watch a movie.

ORVILLE: “Movie”? What “movie”?

WILBUR: A moving picture. “Alice in Wonderland.” This chick just jumped in a hole!

ORVILLE: But brother, look outside! The clouds! The majesty! The… What’s that smell?

WILBUR: That’s my tuna limberger chili. Want some?

ORVILLE: Absolutely not! Oh! Oh, God! Oh, that is pungent. Put it away!

WILBUR: No. I’m hungry.

ORVILLE: Ugh! Oh! Urgh! Oof!

WILBUR: Shut up.

ORVILLE: I’m going to upchuck! (gurgle) Upchucking is imminent!

WILBUR: That sounds like a “you problem.” Hey!

ORVILLE: (rustling) It...must...go!

WILBUR: Hands off, you rat bastard!

ORVILLE: Never! Ha ha! There! Begone, vile grub!

WILBUR: You threw away my lunch, you goop!

ORVILLE: Wisenheimer!

WILBUR: Flapdoodle!

ORVILLE: Foozler!

WILBUR: Gibface!

ORVILLE: Hornswaggler!

WILBUR: Popinjay! Let’s see how well you fly without eyes.

ORVILLE: Ahhhhhh! I cannot see!

WILBUR: Not with that attitude.

ORVILLE: Your hands smell like tuna limberger chili!

WILBUR: Thank you!

ORVILLE: Please, brother! Take your hands off or we might crash!

WILBUR: Fine! Geez. No need to be a Maggy Misfortune.

ORVILLE: Wait. Do that again. Put your hands over my eyes.

WILBUR: Why?

ORVILLE: Just do it! But not all the way. Spread the fingers. Tilt up. Yes! Yes!

WILBUR: What is the point of this?

ORVILLE: To block the sun! Oh, if only we had some kind of sun...glasses...for aviators...to see...gooder….at MACH G… Kitty Hawkers..Ray Blockers!

WILBUR: Awww, phooey! Thunderation!

ORVILLE: What? Are you okay, brother?

WILBUR: I dropped my movie player thingy. Consarn it! I saved for months to buy that!

ORVILLE: Do not fret, brother. Now that we invented flight, we shall be fat with wealth.

WILBUR: Really?

ORVILLE: Really. As soon as we land, I will buy you another movie player thingy!

WILBUR: Huzzah! Huzzah! Thank you!

ORVILLE: No problem. I love you, Wilbur.

WILBUR: I love you, too, Helen Keller.

ORVILLE: Argh! You stampcrab!

WILBUR: Saddle-goose!

ORVILLE: Scobberlotcher!

WILBUR: Gollumpus!

ORVILLE: Jackanape! Wait. I just had an idea for something. What was it?

WILBUR: Extra-small condoms?

(various slaps and punches, static)

The recording ends there. Upon landing, Wilbur insisted on buying another “movie player thingy” right away and the brothers watched several short films. When they returned to the aircraft, they discovered the recording was stolen. Detectives found no clues, aside from a strange set of flamingo tracks leading from their garage to the Pacific Ocean.

man and woman running in teal aviator sunglasses

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