SEARCHING FOR MY KMART SEX PANTHER…

You were Pomeranian, or Pekingese, or something weird. I met you in the bathroom of a Kmart right off the 405 and we made out for hours. You had a breathtaking hiney and buttery blonde hair. You told me that there were literally thousands of men that you should be with instead of me, but that you were already 72% sure that you were in love with me.

I was feeling like the epitome of suave (even though I was sort of having a bad day, but we’ll get to that in a minute). I had just musked up with my Blackbeard’s Delight cologne. I was dressed in my best suit from the finest I-talian men’s store in San Diego (fun fact:  that means whale’s vagina).

Things went south when you asked me if I got my clothes from the toilet store. I’m sorry that I told you to go back to your home on whore island and threatened to punch you in the ovary. (Sweet Lincoln’s Mullet how that secretly turned me ON!!!)

I was vulnerable, baby!! I didn’t mean it. I didn’t want to put a damper on the mood, but someone had thrown my best friend and canine soulmate, Baxter, off a freeway overpass earlier that day. I just wasn’t myself. I was in a glass case of emotion, baby! 

By the beard of Zeus, I will make this up to you!!! Connections like ours happen what, 15-20 times in a lifetime?! 

This Friday 9pm, please meet me at Escupimos en su Alimento. I’ll give you a one way ticket to Pleasure Town. I’ll be the one sipping a glass of milk at the bar. Pretty sure I’m wearing burgundy? Hope to see you then. 

P.S. If I never see you again, I just want to say...stay classy!