I PICKLED THESE MYSELF ORIGIN STORY
MYSTERIOUS POEM ABOUT PICKLING HIPSTER DISCOVERED IN AUSTIN, TEXAS
The following poem was scrawled in Graffiti Park on Castle Hill in Austin, Texas, on March 9, 2020:
There Once Was A Hipster From Austin
There once was a hipster from Austin
Whose handlebar mustache gave many a tickle
He loved typewriters, flannel and ironic T-shirts
But what he loved most was to pickle
He pickled cucumbers, he pickled bell peppers
He pickled avocados and cherries
He pickled tomatoes, he pickled potatoes
And here’s where it starts getting scary
He pickled hamburgers, he pickled ice cream
He pickled all the food in his house
He picked his typewriter, he pickled his flannel
And he pickled his cat, Modest Meowse
He pickled vinyl records, a fixie bike
And goodr Circle Gs -- his possession most dear
And when he asked, “What the Beck is there left to pickle?”
He saw the answer in the mirror
The hipster from Austin got a big-ass barrel,
And filled it with water, vinegar and spices
Then he jumped in and sealed himself inside
I think he was having a quarter life crisis
As the years passed by, the hipster was preserved
Though the 2020’s, 30’s and 40’s
Through President Kanye and President Eilish
And a zombie apocalypse like in World War Z
Then in 2049, during nuclear winter
A gang of cannibals opened the barrel
They knew the hipster was a total snack, literally
Even if they were mystified by his apparel
When the briny hipster woke up, he said, “Namaste!
“My name is Clover, and I have no wealth
But I do have two legs and a butt you can eat
I pickled these myself.”
On the following day, March 10, 2020, the poem was covered by images of Star Wars characters in skinny jeans. Luckily, Austinite and yarn spinning enthusiast Ognima L. Flrac transcribed the poem for posterity the night before it disappeared.
Is “There Once Was A Hipster From Austin,” a frivolous work of whimsy, or a grim vision of a dystopian future that’s rapidly approaching? We don’t have the answers. But you should probably print the poem and pickle it, just to be safe.
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