Jayden and Kayla woke up Christmas morning

And ran to their gifts with elation

That faded when they read a jaded note warning:

“Please lower your damn expectations.”

“My elves went on strike, and they make the toys,

I was so mad I punched my wall.

But then I found a magazine and rejoiced --

Here’s some crap from Skymall.”

Jayden hoped that what Santa wrote wasn’t true

And his presents would be super neat

But no, he got a Yeti garden statue

And a glow-in-the-dark toilet seat

As for Kayla, she felt overwhelming despair

The presents made her want to cry

She got a laser helmet for regrowing hair

And a watch saying what time she’ll die

“But wait,” said Jayden. “Let’s go check our stockings!

They might have treats or toy soldiers!”

But the offerings inside the stockings were shocking:

Dog lips and umbrella holders.

“Damnit!” said Kayla. “This year is so fucked!”

And just when she was at her maddest,

Jayden found two gifts hiding by the sofa:

Frequent Skymall Shoppers sunglasses

The note said “To Jayden and Kayla from C.,

A flamingo who loves to drink beer

Here’s sunnies, good buddies! Do one thing for me,

Be extremely naughty next year.”