THE BRAH WHO SNAKED WAVES: A SURFING FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, there was a brah who loved surfing. But he grew up in a sh*tty flyover state, so he never got a chance to do it. He watched surfing movies. He played surfing video games. He even bought a surfboard, took it out to the lake, and imagined riding heavy waves: Bombs! Nugs! A-frames! When he told his parents he was going to be a surfer when he grew up, they laughed. But when he grew up, flew to a tropical island and bought a van for a home, they didn’t laugh. They cried. But this story isn’t about them.
At the tropical island, the brah walked down the beach in amazement. The sand! The sun! The empty can of beer! Okay, the empty can of beer on the beach wasn’t that amazing. They had empty cans of beer in the sh*tty flyover state. But still, everything else! The surfers! The waves! No ankle-slappers or mush-bergers like at the lake -- real waves! Wow! The brah’s heart jackhammered against his chest. What was this strange emotion? Joy! Huzzah! With a dance in his heart and a spring in his step, he skipped into the water.
However, the brah was so amped to hang ten, he was aggro. With his rustic upbringing, he didn’t know anything about surf etiquette. He was so eager to ride, he snaked waves, a major no-no. These surfers clearly had the right of the way, and claimed their waves. But the brah didn’t care. He thought it was first-come, first-serve. He snaked and he snaked and he snaked and he snaked. “Who’s this kook?” cried one surfer. “What a Benny!” said a second. “And a Barney,” sneered a third, shaking her head. “Total junkyard dog.”
“He doesn’t know the rules,” said the first surfer. “Let’s explain that snaking waves is not rad. “Nah, that brah needs to go,” said the second surfer. “Let’s tell a shark to eat him.” The first surfer and second surfer looked at the third for the deciding vote. “I like the shark thing,” she said, with a grin. “It’ll be funny.” So, the surfers whistled for their friend, the shark, and told him to eat the Quimby. “Who?” asked the shark. “You all look the same to me!” “Just eat the next surfer out there” said the first surfer, pointing at the water. “Duh.”
Moments later, the first surfer claimed a wave. The brah started to bogart it, but noticed the other surfers and stopped. “Am I doing something wrong?” he asked. “Oh no. I am. Sorry!” He burst into tears. “This is my first time! I came here from a sh*tty flyover state, and I don’t know the rules! I get it now! You claimed this wave. Take it! I’m so sorry!” The three surfers started crying too. “How sweet!” cried the third. “What a bro!” cried the first. “He reminds me of a young me!” cried the second. “We forgive you! And yes, I’ll take it!”
And so, the second surfer mounted the wave, and the shark ate him. The first surfer, third surfer, and the brah screamed in horror. “Oh no!” said the shark. “Was that the wrong one?” The shark swam to the third surfer and ate her too. The first surfer and the brah screamed in horror. “Oh no!” cried the shark. “Was THAT the wrong one too?” The brah started to scream, but the first surfer covered his mouth. “Let’s quit while we’re ahead,” he said. “No!” he yelled to the shark. “That was the right one! Nice doing business with you!”
And so it was, the first surfer and the brah fell in love. They wore Don’t Snake My Wave sunglasses at their wedding, really went to town on each other during their honeymoon, and lived happily ever after.
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