HOW CARL THE FLAMINGO TORTURES goodr EMPLOYEES ON VALENTINE’S DAY
Carl the Flamingo loves many things: Himself. Money. Shrimp. Piña coladas. Himself again. Parties. Jet Skis. Stealing. Himself once more. And, of course, Valentine’s Day.
For five years in a row, Carl celebrated Valentine’s Day by torturing goodr employees. In 2016, he took everyone to The Gentlefeathers Club, a strip club where the dancers are birds, the poles are palm trees, and customers don’t throw money -- they throw sunflower seeds. The image of a dead-eyed middle-aged pigeon kneeling to scoop wingfuls of sunflower seeds off the stage haunts many an OG goodr employees’ dreams.
The following years were worse. In 2017, Carl threw a comedy roast where all the performers were exes of goodr employees. In 2018, Carl surprised staffers by whisking them away to an exotic island for a luxury outdoor music event: “Desyre Festival.” However, all the bands bailed and the organizers forgot about food and drinks and shelter and the planes ran out of gas and a volcano exploded.
In 2018, Carl hired bodybuilders to dress up like Cupid and crash the goodr offices, taunting employees and shooting them with arrows, except the arrows were tranquilizer darts full of mind-altering substances we legally can’t mention. In 2019, he made everyone binge-watch every episode of Love Island Clockwork Orange-style. In 2020, he did something too horrible to describe. We just call it “The Valentine Incident.”
Following The Valentine Incident, goodr employees conspired to stop Carl from scarring them for life (again). “We know you love Valentine’s Day, O Great One,” said the employees, while groveling on the floor in the required full-body bow. “How about this year you skip the stunts and make two complimentary products to sell with our Valentine Day’s day sunglasses, Dear Leader?” With a giggle of glee, Carl agreed and everyone wept with joy.
Those Valentine’s Day sunnies - named Carl’s Got A Candy Heart On, we let him name them too -- are officially out now! And they come with two complimentary products while supplies last: Candy hearts with charming messages like “EAT ME,” “WANNA SMASH,” & “U&ME&CARL.” Plus a romantic Valentine’s Day card encouraging everyone to spread V.D. (Valentine’s Delight.) (Again, while supplies last. We made like 500 of each comp product.)
Does this mean goodr employees are safe from Carl’s antics this Valentine’s Day? We don’t know. But we can hope. To quote, Gustave Flaubert: “Love is a springtime plant that perfumes everything with its hope, even the ruins to which it clings.” Happy V-Day!
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