HOW CARL THE FLAMINGO CREATED AVIATOR SUNGLASSES
Once upon a time, there was a flamingo CEO named Carl, who loved friends, family and his employees--hahahahahahaha. Sorry. Couldn’t type that with a straight hand. Carl loved getting f***ed up on piña coladas and everything else was just kinda whatever.
Carl even drank while flying, which is a gray area for birds. It’s like drinking and walking for humans. Legal, but you might hurt yourself, or cause an accident. Remember those geese that got sucked into Sully’s Airbus engine? Drunken bachelorette party. Entirely the geese’s fault. Luckily, Sully put on his hero pants. But you already know that story.
Anyway, one day Carl was flying while wearing goggles and a big bag of piña colada with a long snaky tube. He fashioned the device out of a vacuum cleaner some idiot turkey relative had given him for Xmas. In times of need -- like the need to comfortably drink and fly -- Carl could be surprisingly clever, like an avian Leonardo da Vinci. Or The Joker.
After traveling for hours, Carl landed on Hat Rin on the island of Ko Pha-ngan, Thailand for the Full Moon Party. In case you’re a loser, the Full Moon Party is a monthly all-night beach party with a wide spectrum of music (trance, reggae, drum, and bass), “fire skipping” ropes and buckets of alcohol and various drugs. Carl was very excited.
Upon landing, Carl sauntered up to a couple of 20-something white people cheerfully appropriating Native American culture. With a grin, he yanked off his goggles and said, “What up!” After a beat, they burst into derisive laughter. “It’s a raccoon bird, man!” quipped the young woman wearing a headdress she bought because it was “cute.”
They mocked Carl because the uncomfortable flight goggles left unsightly marks on his eyes. “Racoon bird!” the couple who treated other cultures like Halloween costumes. “Racoon bird! Raccoon bird!” Furious, Carl opened his mouth to curse at them, but he drank too much on the way, and projectile vomited piña coladas in their open mouths.
Determined this would never happen again, Carl bought sunglasses and a bucket of drugs from a beach vendor. Then he disappeared into the woods. The next morning, he emerged with the world’s first pair of aviator sunglasses. He missed the party, but invented the brilliance that became goodr’s first MACH G, cadet green aviator sunglasses named Buzzed on the Tower.
Carl’s aviator sunnies were later stolen by the CEO of a contact lens company that rhymes with “Josh & Mom” who time-traveled to the 1930’s and hogged all the invention credit. But that’s a story for another time.